i thought having things official would end the pain...

but unfortunately it only doubled the suffering...

is this really the way things ought to work?

what a pathetic reality!

sometimes i just can't seem to grasp the idea that things are gonna be okay...

that i'll soon wake up feeling fine...

it's like being sucked into the unknown and just letting yourself drown in despair...

like there's no more hope for a better tomorrow..

then suddenly!

you find yourself comforted by words...

soothing words that are balm to your wounded soul...

you try to hope again...

hope that things'll be alright..

that same mistakes won't be committed again...

things seemed suddenly and amazingly right...things are great again...

and then CRASH!

the bittersweetness of it all is confusing...

should you go on? or just give up?

is it a sign or are these just trials?

ugh!

this is making me more pathetic...

am i that desperate!?!

nah! can't be!

it's just that i am so caught in the moment that i tend to forget the realities...most specifically the PAINFUL realities...

you have the tendency to dwell only on the sweetness forgetting that there is bitterness mixed in...

should i linger in despair? or should i act like things are okay?

would that make me presumptuous? or am i gonna wallow in pain and drown myself in the pain that is slowly eating my soul piece by piece?

tsk tsk!

is this gonna go on forever? is there no end to this?

arrrgggh!

i'm talking rubbish...but then i myself am turning into garbage...

 

i've always dreamed of finding mr.right...

have had more than a couple of fantasies of being happy with whoever he is...

visions of hearts and romantic scenes floods my mind...making my heart skip a beat...

i admit...i am a hopeless romantic...

but here i am...filled with despair..

though i'm happy with him...there is a part of me regretting falling in love...

it was like loving was wrong in the first place...

i brought bad things into his life...

bonds were broken because of me...

friends drifted away because of this blossoming relationship...

we both became isolated from the reality...with what's going on around us..

it was like when we are together we dont give a damn on what's going on...like only "US" mattered...(as if there is such thing as US)

we tend to forget that other things matters as well...

is love wrong?

yep i am hopelessly, truly, madly, head-over-heels in love with him...

i wont deny that fact..

and i also wont deny that i'm hurting inside...

there had been almost no days when i don't cry...and all of my tears are all because of him...

i love him so much that i can't bear the thought losing him..

i love him so much that i just want him to be with me...

i love him so much that i am willing to do anything to help him...

i love him so much that i want to hate him for making me feel this way..

i love him so damn much that its slowly and painfully eating me away...

is this really love?

i am deeply confused right now...

i'm so tired of having to wait for him to ask me out...

i get frustrated at the thought that he doesnt know how to control me...instead he let me control him...

he lets me have my way that i tend to abuse it unconsciously...

he tolerates me too much that i end up hurting him be it physically and emotionally...

it's like i'm the one leading the relationship...

and it's tiring me...

and i'm afraid for the time to come that i'll get tired of loving him so much that i'll have to let go of him and hurt him more in the process...

and it scares me so much more to think that he'll get tired of tolerating me too much, of loving me so much that he'll leave me like the way others did...

it's heartbreaking!

it's mind-racking!

and i hate every bit of it!

but those are possibilities i cannot deny nor avoid...

i just cross my fingers and toes hoping it wont...

because i dont know if i'll fall in love again if i get hurt this time..

things have fallen slowly into place...

though my day started out pretty bad, i am so glad that i'm a bit happy with the ways things are right now...

we went mall hopping...haha!

it was fun..

the 9th and 10th!!!

tsk tsk!

we also went to confessions...

it feels good to have your conscience clean..whew!

with me coming clean, it was like a bit of the sadness i've been feeling lately was slightly lifted...

it also feels good to know that there really are people who love and care for you...

to know that they'll be there to cheer you up...through good times and bad...

such inspiring thought...^_^

it's a good day today..

and i gotta run...i have two more exams to take tomorrow! pray for me!

weeeeeeeeeeeee!

ever since the incident last saturday i've been a bit depressed..

little by little the depression is eating my enthusiasm and all i can do to conceal the sadness is to smile and act like everything's fine when all along all i want to do is cry...

crying seems to be the only remedy even if its not of big help to the situation i am in...somehow, it helped me save my sanity...

i've been having mood fluctuations these past few days...and i admit i kind of freak people out...

i feel sorry for them because they are clueless to the turmoil of emotions boiling inside me...

there are times when i just want to shout out all the frustrations building up on me...

maybe i expect too much...that's why i always end up feeling disappointed...not having my expectations met...

am i really that bad?

it seems that it really goes to the point where i can only blame myself for the pains i am undergoing...

they said "when there's pain, then it's real"...

but why is it so painful to accept the pain?

it seems that my pain threshold and pain tolerance are too weak that the slight stimulus of pain sends me crying like a leaking faucet...

is it just because i'm weak?

or maybe because i am too helpless and too scared to fight the pain and stand up for myself?

am i just exhausted or am i going mad?

i must be going crazy...

after being so overwhelmed with happiness for the past few weeks, its like sadness and loneliness is slowly drowning and pulling me to the bottom...

i can't explain exactly what i feel as of the moment..

there's a mix of sadness, pain, fear, worry...all negative things..

i dont know what's wrong..i just can't seem to pinpoint the reason that's putting me in this state...

must be exam jitters...or maybe not...

arrgh!

this is madness...tsk tsk! >_<